anger management....

As previously posted, I admitted that I do cuss. It's not something I am proud of, or something I like to do freely.... it's just an inside entity of mine that rears it's ugly head in moments of extreme stress (and I hate that word stress!). Somehow, it takes on a life of it's own, no matter how hard I've tried choking it down. I usually have to be pushed to an extreme limit before it spouts out anyway... and I always do this double-take as if someone else said it, not me. I have put a lot of work into NOT cussing, and it has been a long road.

I remember years ago when I lived in New Hampshire, there was a nice lady I knew who was the epitome of niceness. I overheard her use the F-bomb and was completely taken aback by what spilled out of her mouth. In a million years I would have never guessed she was even aware the word existed, as her demeanor was pure "ladylike". Upon my gasp of hearing this word from her, she explained to me that "sometimes there are no other words to describe just exactly what you need to say about something". I have come to agree over the years that using it sparingly puts the point of shock across... and using it too much, lessens the point that you mean business.

This is not to say that I fully condone the usage... and I would NEVER speak it in sensitive company. Actually, I was raised never to swear, but managed to easily adapt to it when I went out with a sailor. He punctuated his sentences with cuss words, and they didn't bother me as much as they did other people, so I let it slide. (I find that most times I am in the company of a group of men, it is common language). My parents never swore, or if they did, it was never public... although Mom would do it in Italian (as if we didn't figure that out, as we got older). Funny thing is that Mom never spoke Italian in our house, except to swear, and it's the only Italian I know.

I did go through a period where I probably used it too much (again, never in mixed company), but was embarrassed when a remark was made to me about it. I vowed to learn new words or expressions to put across the same meaning, as there is nothing worse than slipping up especially when you don't mean to. So you see, I have made concerted efforts to clean up my act, but there are times when no matter how well you train yourself to do something, your past jumps in front of your mouth and takes over. In most of my cases, I find that I use it more as a verb or adjective rather than a noun.... not that that makes it any better.

Again, it never really bothers me to hear or see the words.... hey, I work with two guys who don't think twice to use them, so my sensitivity gauge is almost nonexistent. I find I am more hurt or upset by plenty of other things.... being thought of as a slacker would be one of them.
I know that I work hard, and I know that I do more than is required of me... so the finger that goes up (only to one person, mind you), I find well deserved. It stops me from losing all sense of reason and slapping the heck out of one partner. Unfortunately, my God sees things another way... and small injuries do occur in my recklessness of self control.

In general, I am a mild mannered person, and you would have to push my buttons either too long or too far for me to lose control....and I usually manage to walk away, unless I release that pressure valve... then watch out, it's every man for himself at that point.

So my point is..... I apologize for using profanity in my last post.... I know that it does offend, and I know that it is wrong of me, no matter the circumstances. Luckily, the person I said it to was an understanding type (he uses his share as well) and he was aware of how much running around we do at this time of year. He knew I wasn't directing anything toward him (again the adjective use was in effect), and I was exhausted beyond exhaustion.... we delivered eleven jobs that day, and I still had to work that night. God must have felt sorry for me at some point, as the party I worked that night was easy, fun, and the people I served were the nicest bunch of teachers. I even made a nice fat tip for my efforts. So in the end, it all works out.... if I can only convince my temper of that when things are at their most hectic state, thereby stopping my mouth from saying things I shouldn't.